Robben's a one-awesome-trick pony.

Okay, Brazil, this one's for you.  I'm gonna let you in on a little secret that, shockingly, no one's figured out...  Arjen Robben is left footed.  Really.  He's left footed.  Got it?  I know he plays down the right side of the pitch, but he not going to cross it.  Think about it, Brazil.  I'll set the scenario that's played out in just about every fucking game Arjen's played in:  He's going to get the ball on the right side, probably just past midfield and he's going to dribble it straight down the line (the other thing is don't be surprised that he's fast, really.  I know he's all bald and old looking, but he's like 26.  Yeah, he looks like Zidane does in those Louis Vuittan ads, but older.. it's part of his wicked Dutch mental games), then right when he gets around the box he's going to cut to his left, take about 6 paces, then drill a blast right into the back of your net.  Seriously, it's going to happen and it's got to be unstoppable or no one else but me is watching every game the old looking, but not really old Dutch guy scores in.  Don't let him cut back left, Brazil.  He'll kill you.

I'm not in the least rooting for Brazil, but I can't believe anyone's surprised when Robben does his single, awesome and, I think, defendable shot.  Make him cross it, Brazil.  Or you might be done, which is okay with me.  Maybe I should have written this after the game...nah, no one reads this anyway.

You were right, I was wrong.

I might just be grumpy...

This is going to come off as some sort of blasphemy, and I apologize - especially to the Crazy Ass Ginger, he's not going to take this well.  All the build up, the excitement, the drama has all come down to this for me...wait for it...I'm getting kind of bored of the World Cup. I know that sounds gross to you, don't turn off your computer and never open it again because I've shattered your World Cup world, and this has nothing to do with the vuvuzeles (sp?  I don't care).  The complaining about the buzz has gotten louder and more incessant than the noise they make, so the vuvuzelas aren't what's getting me.  And it's not the French football team, I actually find that story to be the most compelling and I can't wait until Evra holds his press conference.  It's not even the sloppy referees (it might be the referees).  This is America specific, but it's not even Alexi Lalas' incessant droning (it could totally be Lalas ruining my World Cup).  My problem with the World Cup is that the actual football is not as good as the Premier League, the Super Liga, or Serie A.  And it doesn't come close to Champions League football, not for a second.  The football just isn't that good, that spontaneous, or that entertaining.  Sorry, World.  Yeah, I know there have been some great moments, but Ronaldo's lucky goal that rolled off his back isn't in the top thirty of what I've seen him do in league play.  Don't get me wrong here, it's not like I'm not going to watch, but the folks out there that don't usually watch football are getting a less than superior product here.  It's good for the game and people like to watch their own country duel it out with friggin' heathens (like Argentina.  I can't believe Maradona told Pele to go back to the museum...and then there's Carlos Tevez...sorry, I got off course).   I'm all for the patriotism, but what I want is great football and it's been few and far between if you ask me, which you didn't, I guess.  Hopefully, the play gets better once the elimination round begins or some other team completely loses their shit like the French did.  I'll be watching, I will.  I'm just not that impressed yet.  Also, I will totally eat crow or some sort of hat if the play improves, gladly.  Go USA.

P.S.  South Africa arrested a bunch of Dutch chicks for wearing short orange skirts...wtf?

Not the game. Practice?

We're talking about practice?  Practice?  Not the game.  Not the game.  Practice?  Sorry, I will never stop referencing Allen Iverson whenever the subject of practice comes up.  Link.  So the French team today refused to practice because they're all pissed someone (apparently the trainer) leaked the specifics over the fight between the moron Domenech and the ever petulant Le Sulk.  I'm all about solidarity.  I am.  But if there's one team out there that needs to practice it's got to be France, right?  Well, maybe England.  Hell, they should practice together and often.  Both teams are full of stars and crankiness, maybe they can all bond and form some sort of angry super team.

What the hell, Italy?  New Zealand?  That's funny.  We've got the holders of the Cup and the runners up both flailing in this years tourney.  England's a mess.  Spain looks shaky.  Gotta love the World Cup. 

France rules.

I've got to work tomorrow, so forgive me if this rambles incoherently.  See it's my Father's Day today and I've got virtual carte blanche around the house.  Yet, I'm surprisingly still standing and that may not last long, so let's get it on like Missile Command.  I'll keep the United talk to a minimum as it's World Cup time.  The big stories?

France -    Solid work, France.  Getting Le Sulk completely committed was always questionable, but somehow you've done it.  I see you skating through to round two and beyond.  Viva!

England -  (This was taken from an actual drunken conversation that I could have had with England)  What the fuck?  Seriously...don't talk to me like that, England...I know Robert Green shat the bed, but you really can't put one past Algiers.  I mean, is that even a country?....It is?  I apologize, but that doesn't answer the question.  Not one against Algiers?...What?...Don't you start with me, Terry.  Doesn't your dad sell coke...Yeah, let's cool this down before you get hurt.  Keep walking, bitch....(back to England)  All I'm saying is play like men...Don't you start, Rooney...Fuck me?  Where's your touch gone, Roo?  Fuck you....I know, I didn't mean that.

U.S.A.  -  Yeah, we got jobbed for sure.  But how about not giving up early goals to shitty teams?

Cameroon -  Still like saying your name.  It's like we hardly met...

Spain -  What the fuck?  Don't make me drunkenly get on the horn with you guys too, I don't speak Spanish at all.

Mexico -  Holla, Amigos!  Queso estad!  Chicharito, compadres!

And what the hell is up with Nemanja Vidic?  I know you're leaving United, Nemanja, that's no excuse for blindly throwing your hands up at that cross, it was like a kid throwing his glove up to a baseball that obviously a home run, but this wasn't a home run, Nemanja.  The ball was clearly going out of bounds.  So as a current member of United, please, quit acting like an asshole.   You can do that for Barca or Real in a few months.

A countdown conclusion, finally.

Okay, okay.  I know it's right at the death here, hell, we've got a game in about 8 friggin' hours.  Who's sleeping tonight?  Probably me in about 45 minutes, but I've got two boys who wake up at the crack so I'll be watching Mexico take down South Africa live, I think.  I'm down to the last of my list and I've been woefully undisciplined the whole time.  It was supposed to be teams I wasn't rooting for and now it seems like, really, it's just a ranking of whose got a chance to take the cup home.  That's what really matters though right?  And, most hacks do some sort of a top ten list anyway, not me.  Nope.  I've broke it down super-scientifically the whole time and have come to this...a top-ten?  No way.  That would be way too diluted.  I've got my top 8.  A number of United or Death destiny.  Here's the 8:

8.  France -  Is this team old?  Yes.  But solid if it weren't for the infighting going on in the media.  Since when have the French ever given a fuck?  Yet, apparently there's some flack about Henry not starting...  The first stance the country of France has ever taken and it's if Le Sulke or Handball Henry should start...  Sorry, Patrice.

7.  Serbia -  Looks like Vidic is rolling to Real more by the day.  I can't get on board, Serbia.

6.  Italy -  I'm a total wop, so this sucks.  I've got no real faith in Italy this year and wouldn''t be surprised if they get bumped out early.  I do dig Di Rossi, Pirlo (who looks to be injured) Buffon and Gilardino, but old favorites like Gatusso, Cannavaro, and Zambratta are gettin long in the tooth.  Then you got the favorites:  DP,  Totti, and Toni who are, sadly, old and uinvited.  It just makes the holders a sad shell of the last World Cup.

5.  Netherlands - I think Robben's injury is going to hurt the Dutch hard.  I had them in the top 3 until Robben came up limping.  Had van Brommel not shunned van Nistelrooy and coaxed Van der Sar out of retirement I'd have put the Netherlands at number 2, but their keeper is suspect and if Robben doesn't play major minutes I don't see Dirk Kyut able to replace him or the Dutch holding the cup.  Side note:  I would like to see van der Vaart playing for Manchester United.

4.  Spain -  Lot's of injury questions.  If every one's healthy they take this thing.  I don't see that happening though.  Torres can't play more than 21 consecutive minutes...  Torres and David Villa healthy though are fucking  frightening up front. 

3.  Brazil - Seemingly really healthy and really scary.  They play that joga bonito (which means beautiful joga) or that's what they say.  It doesn't seem as pretty as it used to be, no less scary though.  Brazil's defense has become legit.  Lucio and Maicon are bad asses.  They've got a way tough group though...

2.  England -  They're not as good at Brazil or Spain, I don't think.  But, damnit, they've got Wayne Rooney and no one else does.  It's going to be hard to root for the likes of Gerrard and Lampard because they're huge, huge douche bags, but I'm all in for England except for the first game.  So here goes for #1:

1.  United States of America -  Home of the free and land of the brave...and me, my wife and kids (pinkeye and all).   Bring that cup home, boys.

Park Ji-Sung and Chicharito don't make the cut.

Down to the nitty and/or gritty here, folks.  After this round, I'm down to 8 teams left and I'm gonna have to start actually rooting for some of these teams, if fact, below are some teams I'm already pulling for.  It's getting real close, kids.  Anyway here's the next 5 teams to rest their necks in the United or Death guillotine:

13.  Switzerland - Okay, I'm gonna admit major stupidity here.  I was only keeping Switzerland in because of the mad love "the swede" gives to United or Death and 'cause their chicks are so friggin' hot until it dawned on me that this isn't Sweden it's friggin Switzerland...  I'm losing credibility by the moment here, I'll accept that.  I've probably got less actual credibility than anyone thinks - including myself.  Henrik Larsson isn't on the Switz team either (why aren't they referenced as the Switz?) and they don't have the hot chicks that Sweden's got.  Good bye Switzerland.  I never really knew ya.

12.  Australia -  You've got Tim Cahill and legit kits so I let you through this far, and, to be honest, I generally like Australians so I've given you the benefit of the doubt until today. 

11.  Korea Republic -  It's hard to knock you out, South Korea and you're not in the scariest group so you might make some noise.  Truth be told, there are few players I like more than Park Ji-Sung and I hope the best for you, Korea Republic.  I can't imagine you actually getting past the round of 16 though.

10.  Mexico - I was so against Mexico for so long, their fans thought they were the shit when I've never really seen Mexico do much on the international scene...  I've changed my mind on ole' neighboro.  Maybe it's Chicharito, maybe it's the crazy state of Arizona, but I'm pulling for you Mexico.

9.  Portugal - Nani's out with a collar bone...  I think that's a huge hit for the Portuguese.  Who's gonna take the pressure of Ronaldo?  I think you're good, but not that good.

World Cup teams I'm not rooting for 3: Electric Boogaloo.

It's been too long, you two.  I again apologize.  But here we go.  My next list of teams falling to the United or Death gallows are below and they may or may not have deserved to be there as hindsight and elbow injuries come to light  Whatever.  Get past it. 

Can we talk first about Carlos Tevez being the only member of team Argentina to have his own room for the World Cup?  Can we talk about it seriously - even though it's disgusting?  Okay.  He has his own room because he likes to chill with his junk out.  Really.  I'm no prude and I'm rocking my skin pretty proudly around the house, but what kind weird bastard can't keep his shit toweled in the dorm room?  He's the only dude you see at the gym that blow dries his hair - and he does it nude. 

Sorry for the filthy tangent.  Let's get back to the World Cup:

17.  Cote d I'voire -  Coolest country name and kit in the tourney, given.  Drogba's elbow exploded and I think now you're done.  Sorry, you were higher on my list a few days ago... 

16. Nigeria - I've been overlooking you, Nigerians...  I'm sorry about that.  I don't know how you made it this far, really.   I don't remember seeing you on the list when I was seeding this shit.  You got lucky to make it to 16 - real lucky.  Stupid lucky.

15.  Slovakia - I kinda want Marek Hamsik to play for United and in pure hope of some karmic goodness I let Slovakia slip down this far.  You're welcome, Marek..and welcome to Old Trafford.

14.  Uruguay - I did mix up the "guays".  Switch #18 to #14 and vice versa.  Paraguay might be legit.  And shut up.  I'm not perfect.

I tried, but i couldn't find a really attractive girl from one of the countries above that had anything to do with the World Cup, Football or anything close that I could thematically make work.

World Cup teams I won't be rooting for continued...

The Crazy Ass Ginger insists I put up attractive women on my World Cup posts and I simply won't deny a fan.  You're welcome you ginger freak. 

There's all kinds of crazy news out there right now.  Mikel Arteta to United?  That just sounds outright boring if you ask me.  Julio Cesar hurt for Brazil, but no one's really talking about it.  Julio Cesar is a hell of a keeper and Brazil would miss him huge if he's out any significant time because of this back injury.  (Side note:  Does anyone call that guy Julio?  He's like the opposite of your typical Brazilian.  You've got to say both names every time.)  Anyway, Brazil, at least you won't have to worry about having Dida between the pipes.  I'm pretty sure all these transfer rumors and bullshit are floating out there because I haven't posted my next countdown installment.  So here goes:

22. Denmark - First of all, they call themselves Danish Dynamite which sounds either really too gay or like a weird sushi roll (truth be told, FIFA is calling them that and I don't have the Danish football knowledge to refute or concur on Danish Dynamite).  Nicklas Bendtner is class, but I don't see Danish Dynamite cause too much damage.

21.  Japan -  This is where I get racist and I hate racism.  No, I'm not gonna drop Pearl Harbor smack, no way.  But why do 90% of Asian soccer players have the same ridiculous haircut?  I don't know.

20.  Cameroon - Samuel Eto'o simply can't carry this team THAT far.  Yeah, we all like saying the words "Cameroon" and "Samuel Eto'o" but I'm a goddamned blogger and nothing's more important than my journalistic integrity.  (Don't bring up that shit of how I just made fun of Asian's haircuts, jerk)  My condolences, Cameroon.

19.  Ghana - I hate taking out the African teams, but MICHAEL ESSIEN IS OUT.

18. Paraguay - Sorry, Roque De Santa Cruz (another truly bitchen' name), but you play for Paraguay and Paraguay's biggest claim to fame is that no one knows which "guay" is which.  Then someone says Paraguay's that country with two capitals, but that's Bolivia, dumbass.